At first I wanted to identify the cause of my fluttering, unsettled thoughts. I wanted to label this feeling. Was I having a writers block ? Was I not stirring my creative juices enough ? Did i lack the passion and desire for expression that I once had. I wondered, then I stopped.
I allowed myself to be. I stopped trying to analyse things.... and slowly, I began to see, that something within me was shifting. This shift was unpleasant, nauseating even at times. There was no expressing any of it, not because I did not want to, but because I did'nt know how.
So I let it be. I allowed the nausea to overcome me, I cried, I wept, I grieved and that's when I was able to let go. Looking back now, it all makes more sense than it did at the time.
You see, letting go of conditioning is never easy. We are conditioned way before we are born. You ask how this is possible? Because our mothers and fathers are conditioned and their parents before that, and energetically this carries into our genes. So although at times, we want to let go of our 'unserving social conditionings', we are unable to do this over night. It takes work.... deep soul shaking work that requires just two important factors... Willingness and Faith. I had the willingness though I had no idea what I was in for and (most times) I kept the faith going too, and even though I had no idea of what the destination is for me, I sit back to enjoy and often cringe at the ride.
Most people will never leave the comfort of their conditioning or the belief systems that are passed on from generation to generation. Ironically, some will fight and argue and defend what they never even chose in the first place. I had no such attachments. I was quite happy to let go of old belief systems and ideas that made no sense to me when i first heard about them as a child even. There was always a rebel in me.....waiting to be set free.
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